What next?

I had a very odd experience last night, wonderfully odd. Let me explain.

I have always been fully aware that had it not been for Christopher’s death, I would not have been on this trip as I would have planned and totally enjoyed a vacation with him in lieu of this trip. I believe in a sovereign God who is very much into the details of our lives.

1. Christopher died
2. I came to South Africa
3. As part of my class, we visited McCords Hospital where I met Dr. Jay Mannie
4. Dr. Mannie prayed a blessing for our meal – I knew he was a Christian
5. I asked about a church to which he inquired about my preferences and then invited me to his church
6. I visited church Sunday
7. It was the birthday of a boy named Matthew and they had planned to celebrate it with the children of an orphanage
8. We joined them for the trip out to the rural area
9. Andy invited us to a cell group on Wednesday; I went and we talked about the needs of the orphanage.

I have so many thoughts of how perhaps I could be used to help address the very real needs of these children. I look at this opportunity and know that I would not been available had Christopher not died. I am not sure that I understand this (as a matter of fact, I now that I don’t).

It is so conflicting in my heart. I am honored to possibly be a part of this work, but I’d rather have Christopher – I know that God could certainly raise up anyone to work on behalf of these children, but nothing will replace Christopher.

I don’t know how I feel about this new vision and purpose. I loved my old life, the vision of a daughter-in-law and grandchildren . . . or simply the hope of seeing Christopher becoming that man I believed God would make him.

i don’t know that this opportunity with the orphanage will materialize, but I can tell that it is a sign that God has something for me. He will give me a new vision, a new direction, a new hope. But more than anything, He will continue to give me Himself. I have found Him in new ways in South Africa. I had always believed that He gave me Christopher and now I wait to see what he has next for me. I pray that I would find Him alone to be enough.