The truth? It’s all about relationship

I have been struggling with a lot of emotion lately, not a surprise to many, but certainly I am growing tired of it. I see the same thing in my cousin. My latest issue is dealing with my anger, but there is always the unpredictable sadness, overwhelming loneliness, and the unexpected tears.

There is a large part of me that knows that this is all understandable; there is probably nobody who would say to me that I need to get over it (although that is not to say that they don’t think it, but I can’t worry about that.) So why have I withdrawn; why is my cousin hesitant to go out with groups of friends that he has gone out with since high school? I can’t speak for her, but I think that for me, I don’t have confidence in relationship to be able to trust that they will tolerate these emotions. I didn’t worry about this in the beginning, but I am losing patience with the process, so I figure that those around me are as well. This is a big part of my current decision to forgo church these days; caring people just evoke too much emotion and what if they can’t handle it or won’t tolerate it?
Add to that, I am so conflicted. I loved being known as Christopher’s mom! Now, that privilege comes with the unending reality that I will always be the parent of a child who died too young. While I love talking about Christopher, inevitably, the “rest of the story” will come up. This makes new relationship difficult; this is a great concern as I start the doctoral program in fall.
As far as God is concerned, I put Him in the group that I assume is growing tired of hearing the same stories, hurts and frustrations. Add to that, the confusion that comes from the reality that “His prints are all over this one.” As I mentioned before, I have taken great comfort in the reality that the crash and Christopher’s death were not out of God’s control . . . It was not arbitrary. Even as comforting as it is, it comes with a lot of complications in my heart. I have no problem with it, when it comes to Christopher; I know that he is not missing this world. The problem is how God reconciles this to His love for me. I haven’t gotten there, and yet I know that His plan is perfect.
When I know that my emotions are not consistent with what I know and believe to be true, my first assessment tells me that my emotions are wrong. If I have invalid emotions, then why would I take them to the person, God in this case, at whom they are directed? It feels like something that I just need to work through. That’s where I am stuck. I have come to this point many times in my relationship with God, where I know that I am wrong and I don’t know what more He can do for me to get my feelings in like with His truth.
In the meantime, I need to try to trust my friends and just let them deal with it. Those who can’t or don’t want to will certainly move on and that needs to be fine.