Since Christopher died, I would never have said that I was angry. I have been devastated, in great pain and in total disbelief, but not angry. I have tried to be a comfort to those involved in and around the accident, not a vessel of anger. I have tried to use my experience to comfort those who have lost children, not letting anger be a part of my equation.
This is a situation where I don’t know where angry fits in. Am I angry that Christopher died? I suppose. Am I angry that there are some who haven’t responded as I might have hoped? Probably. And where does God fit into all of this? Am I angry with God that Christopher died? I don’t think so (but there are some who would argue with me on this one).
I think that I am mainly confused about God in all of this. Those who knew me before Christopher came into my life would testify to the fact that I never dreamed that I could love and be loved as I was in my relationship with Christopher. And it is true. For me, allowing myself to hope and believe that love was possible for me was a huge step. And, by God’s grace, I took it. Then 13 years later, the whole “experiment” came crashing down. I don’t know what to make of this. Do I feel betrayed? Yes I do. God certainly gave me more in Christopher than I had ever hoped, but then to take him away. I don’t understand that. But angry?
Doesn’t anger need an object? I am trying to figure out at what am I angry. I am not angry at Christopher – he was just a passenger in a car that night. I don’t think that I am angry with the drivers of the cars that night, although I think that there was a lot of poor decisions made that night. Who do you vent to or yell at if you are made at an event? Maybe I am angry with God. Afterall, He is sovereign and certainly could have prevented it.
I am so conflicted. From that first night in December 2007, I have taken great comfort in the fact that Christopher’s death was not an “accident” in the sense that it was out of God’s control. That has given me great comfort, but there has been a heavy sense of betrayal in having Christopher snatched from me that night. How can you be express anger with God?
I need to be made a something specific. I need to be able to yell at something – hit something/someone. I need to take this out on someone before it eats me from the inside out. I need to be angry at someone who will yell back and challenge me to deal with it, who will provoke me to get it all out. Otherwise it just has to stay inside and fester.
I am a person that needs to get things out. That is one of the things that made Christopher and good match for me; he was more than willing to engage with me. In contrast, I had a college roommate who was the nicest girl that you would even want to meet. She was too nice. I can remember getting ready to have a hard talk with her about something important (like closet space) and as soon as I brought it up, she’d apologize. She didn’t let me get it out. I’d just retreat in a neighbor dorm room and sleep until I stuffed it back in.
That is what makes this so hard. I feel like everybody I talk to just says, its okay to be angry. It is like they apologize too quickly. Don’t people understand? I need an argument to get it out. Processing it hasn’t worked for 19 months and I don’t suspect that it will work anytime soon. There are events coming that might provoke me to get it out, but that will neither be the time nor the place.
I have to deal with this now. And I don’t know how.