In ways that I have tended to minimize, I have fallen victim to people who were in positions where they were supposed to care for me and help me through the turmoil of growing up. Some of those people failed me; they violated my trust. That reality, that I once minimized, I now realize has impacted my how outlook.
And now, there is a part of me who is facing the same violation of trust, this time, however, I am struggling with God. I put my faith in Christ as my Savior and Lord over 25 years ago. I am found God to be totally trustworthy (as if I needed to experience it to make it true). I would never even have mentioned it because this was a given in my heart of faith.
And then, Christopher died. I am having a hard time imagining a restored relationship with my Heavenly Father who allowed my son to die. I really thought that I had trusted him all along and this has been a huge violation of that trust.
Life has taught me that insanity is to continue to do the same thing, expecting different results. What does that say about trusting people or a God who appears to have proven themselves to be not trustworthy. Of course I realize that this may be a reliable mode of operation when it comes to people, but what about God.
The problem here is that I believe all I know about God. I know that He loves me and that this is all for His Glory and my good. I even believe that in my head, but my heart is lagging behind in this process. Trust is not an issue of the intellect, it is an issue of the heart. I don’t trust God right now and I can’t seem to convince myself to trust Him. This makes it an issue of faith. Faith, too, is a heart issue. Faith is also a gift from God, not something that I can manufacture.
Some have supposed that this has been more of a challenge for me because I am generally a very competent and independent person. I can work through things on my own, generally with much success. I like being autonomous. The lose of Christopher is not something that I have been able to resolve to my satisfaction; I understand it, but I can’t fix my heart. The pain is bigger than what I can work through alone.
I have been so blessed by so very many friends who have been supportive through this process, but I have avoided the One who has the power to restore my faith. I am certain it is because I can’t trust Him and therefore am not sure that I want my faith restored. I am not sure He can be trusted
The problem here is that I believe in the Gospel; I am confident and secure in my destination based on the finished work of Christ. I know that I will see Christopher once again. It is the years between now and then that worry me. I can’t live with this pain, but I don’t feel like I can trust God and He is the only One who can bring healing.