One of my biggest challenges with this grief process is that I don’t like it and think that it should be over. I think that the issue is that I tend to be apologetic for what I perceive to be a prolonged process. I think that my biggest fear is that I’ll let someone in on my grief who will tell me that it is time to get over it; like I often tell myself.
The reality is that I am not sure that I am still able to fully appreciate the magnitude of my loss. I instinctively discount it because I am afraid that my feelings aren’t valid. Stupid, I know, because the truth is there is no reason for me to care what “you” think. If someone wants to tell me that they could handle this better than me, I say, in spite of your arrogance, this is my one life experience that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
Unless you have walked in my shoes, you speak from ignorance. Because I know that, I forgive you. Now I just need to forgive myself. I know that this is a big deal, but I won’t let me be where I am. I just want to escape the rest of this process. I know that this is a big deal . . . still.
Still. It has just been over 14 months and it feels like an eternity and it feels like it could have been last weekend. I worry about people thinking that I have let this carry on long enough and the enemy is really me. I just want relief.
I’ve been told that I beat myself up. I probably do, but I am justified. I want what I know about God and my status as His child to invade my life in such a way that I can let this go.
I don’t think that there is necessarily a connection between my faith and my pain. Pain does not reflect a lack of faith, it reflects the reality of a love that was G0d-breathed. I believe God and I hurt. I need to let those two things co-exist.
At the same time, I need to remind myself that the pain does not define me; my loss doesn’t define me. It has changed me forever, but it doesn’t have to define me. God has changed me forever; He defines me.
This isn’t just about the grief and pain; it is about so much more. I just need to remind myself on a daily basis that I am am beloved child of God. He has adopted me willingly, just as I did Christopher. I know how much I wanted Christopher to accept is position in my life. I believe that God wants the same for me.
We’re just talking about believing the truth. If God gave me faith unto salvation 26 years ago, he can certainly give me faith to move forward, with or without pain. I believe that He forgives and understands my struggle to believe.
Thanks be to God, my Father.