I am in South Africa and I am homesick. I think that it has a lot do with the fact that I know that this weekend my dear friends will be finishing the process of “undoing” Christopher’s room. I don’t know how I am going to feel when I return to my house and Christopher’s room is gone. This is an important step in moving forward. Christopher would want me to move forward, to be sure.

When i return, I have two classmates who are going to be staying with me for 2 weeks in August until the dormitories on campus open. His room will be a room to one of these girls. I am thankful to be able to help them in this way. Christopher would be glad as well, to be sure.

I am highly motivated by knowing that Christopher would have been angry with me if I let his death “ruin” my life. That would be giving him way too much power, to be sure.

I sit here trying to realize that Christopher is not longer with me in this world. I still can’t believe it. I have never liked the word denial as I believe that to say that I was in denial about the fact that Christopher died would make me look foolish. I have preferred to use the word disbelief. I think that now I am ignorant to the reality of Christopher’s death. Not to the fact of his death, but to the implications of his death.

I have lost so much more than a son; I have lost the hope of a daughter-in-law, grandchildren, enjoying seeing that man that Christopher was to become, the way that I know that he would be used in the lives of many. I have lost so much more than a son, but I have found something that I never imagined. Over the last seven-plus months, I have been in awe of the power of God to sustain me. I had no idea of what God in my life really meant.

I so want more of Him.