The trouble with group gatherings is that there are just too many people! I have to be honest, I have never liked parties or other types of group gatherings. I’ve always dreaded them, but forced myself to go, knowing that I’d have a good time.
Last night, I had a wonderful opportunity to get to know my new classmates and the faculty from my doctoral program. It was a very casual pot-luck dinner. . . . just my speed. I had prepared my contribution, but, as usual, I was dreading it. It was fine, just as always, but on the way home, I was overwhelmed with sadness. It was very similar to what I experience when I leave church.
I finally figured it out! I don’t like to be around a lot of people who may not have know about Christopher’s death. It bothers me (makes me sad) to work so hard to be happy and they have no clue. I’ve had several gatherings at my house since Christopher’s passing, but all the attendees knew of my loss. That somehow made having a good time okay. With these people last night, I felt so dishonest; I allowed them to believe that I am just looking forward to what is ahead of me.
Same with church. I feel like I’m just faking it, playing church, looking as if I am just all full of unwavering faith. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. So, again, I feel like I am being dishonest.
And yet, nobody really wants to know or deal with this. Nobody really can say or do anything to help. I just can’t pretend; it doesn’t work for me.