The Tenacity of Disbelief

Tenacious is an adjective, “holding fast; characterized by keeping a firm hold.”  

Disbelief is a noun, “the inability or refusal to believe or to accept something as true.”

In my case, I would say that my inability to believe that my reality is that my son died is holding firm.  I don’t refuse to believe, but I don’t seem to be able to grasp as fact that this is the way that it is going to be forever.  I just can’t seem to believe it.  

Where does that leave me?  

I have no idea.

A friend, whose perspective I appreciate a lot, said that he is not sure that it will ever be believable in this lifetime.  My response?  That is not the right answer.  I just don’t know how a person can go though potentially 40+ years of living not able to accept their personal reality.  I have struggled through 18 months so far and have not enjoyed a whole lot of it.

I totally can see me moving forward . . . after all, I am starting a doctoral program in just under three months.  Ready or not, the future is coming.  What I need to figure out is what to do with this part of my reality.  I think that the issue is that it feels very all or nothing; either I am moving forward or I am living in the reality of my disbelief.  It is like I have two worlds and I can’t seem to have a foot in both at the same time.

I know that this isn’t making much sense, but this whole experience doesn’t make much sense, if you ask me.  

I just don’t know what to do with all this emotion . . . it is either on or off; it seems like there should be a medium.  

I hate this.