Mixed Emotions

This has been a good week.  I feel like back on spring break, I made significant progress in moving forward (sorry, can’t put those details here).  People noticed a change and I feel so much better.  Last night, I was even silly at bridget lessons in a way that I have not felt like since Christopher died.  It was just an overall good week.

Then, before I went to bed last night, I thought and prayed about how unreal it is that Christopher is no longer with me.  I miss him so very much.
I slept a full night, thanks to medications, but I woke up totally drained.  Later, I realized that all night I was dreaming about Christopher.  It has made for a long day.  I even overslept for my evening class, sleeping through about 30 minutes of my cell phone’s alarm.
I can move forward and I will.  I can enjoy life (and I think that Christopher expects me to) and I will, but I don’t think that I’ll ever get over this.  There is always something that is going to be missing.  I love Christopher.  I enjoyed him.  I looked forward to seeing him grow into an amazing, Godly man who would certainly have had a family of his own.  I would have so enjoyed watching him be who I believe he would have been.
I miss him so very much, but I believe that Christopher would want me to be happy.  He loved me so very much.  I miss being loved.  I know that I wouldn’t have always been first in his life – truthfully, I probably already wasn’t – but I was mom; he loved me and knew that I loved him.  I miss that.  I miss that nobody checks in with me to let me know what they are doing and ask me about my day.  I miss being an integral part of someone’s life.
Christopher wasn’t perfect, but he was special and I really liked him.  I really miss him and yet, I am going to move forward.  I am going to have a full life and let myself enjoy what all is ahead of me.
But I’ll always miss him and that’s okay.