I am in N. Georgia, heading back home today. I spent the last two days with the two girl friends who were connected to Christopher. Probably it is more accurate to say that he was most connected to them. One has the same love of music that Christopher had and the other has the same kind of whit. It has been a good weekend with lots of fun memories, but it is bittersweet with a heavy dose of sad.
This coming Sunday is the 14th anniversary of Christopher and I becoming a family. It is our adoption anniversary. I remember that day like it was yesterday and I wouldn’t trade it for anything, even if I had known then what I know now.
But I am so glad that I didn’t know then what I know now. It would have been such a distraction to enjoying the ride. When we celebrated Christopher’s adoption, the theme was “We’re Under Weigh” I didn’t know how appropriate that theme was! Parenting is much like a boat ride – there are smooth seas mixed with a lot of choppy waters. In our case, we hit an ice burg on December 7, 2007. By early December 8, I was the only survivor on board. As bad as that sounds, it works for me.
The ship that launched 14 years ago, is still operational. The family that Christopher and I built goes on, maybe not in this world, visibly, but it goes on. First of all, Christopher is alive and well with his Savior in heaven; we have been separated for a time, but I have certainty that we will be reunited when I get done here. Secondly, the mom that I officially became that day lives on. There is no way that I could, even if I wanted to, go back to who I was before Christopher came into my life. That person doesn’t exist anymore and for that, I am thankful.
But the person that Christopher enabled me to become is missing a piece now. There is a void where he is supposed to be. I miss his presence in my life. I miss the person that he was and the relationships that I enjoyed sharing with him.
That is what has been hard this weekend. Not only I am incomplete without his presence, but he is missing in my relationships. He bought so much to so many that made us all better and I miss seeing that, watching it, enjoying it. I miss the person that Christopher was and the man I believed he would become. I just miss him.
But, he doesn’t miss me the same way. He is not in heaven wishing he was here. He is very satisfied there. He has a perspective that I can only imagine. That is what keeps me going, “I know that I know that I know that that I know that my Redeemer lives” and therefore, I will see Christopher again and our family continues on.
I have much for which to be to be thankful, but it is okay to be sad. It doesn’t mean that I don’t believe all that I know. It is just my reality. They can go together. If Jesus was sad when his friend died, and he knew much more deeply than I can even imagine, then I’m okay.
As a friend said, “I don’t worry about you. I know you and I know God.”
More importantly, I know God and so did Christopher.