I recently subscribed to a daily e-mail from the GriefShare folks. Today was my first of 365 installments (I wonder if they think that I’ll be over it in a year ~ may be a good thing that I waited nine months to start because that gives me a total of 21 months.) This being a Christian organization, they had to include a scripture quote. Today’s was, “But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isaiah 40:31).

I am not sure how I feel about this verse in this context. I can tell you that I am growing weary and that doesn’t meant that my hope isn’t in the Lord. As a matter of fact, I kind of resent the implication. I feel like people, especially church-people, expect this truth to be reflected in the lives of beleivers every day, but I have not found that to be the case.

I was talking to my pastor this morning and he was commenting on one of the points from last Sunday’s sermon where he cautioned against trying to live in two realities – the faith and the world. I used to do that and the truth is that to reconcile these two, I had to change how I lived in the church. How I lived in the world was much more genuine to who I was than how I “played church.”

So now, if anyone asks how I am, they may not like the answer; I am grieving and I don’t like it. I have to make a conscious decision to focus on the things that I know to be true rather than my loss. Do these truths make me feel better? Sometimes, but it takes a lot of effort and that is why I have grown weary. I am just tired of the whole thing.

Do I still hope in the Lord? I thankfully can say yes, but I’m still tired and weary. Does this mean that I don’t “claim” this verse. No, it doesn’t, but I understand it in the context of a much bigger journey.

If I’ve learned anything about the last 8+ months it is that things are much bigger than I can see and it isn’t all about me, today.

Do I want to “run and not grow weary . . . walk and not be faint”? You bet I do, but that is not for me today. Today, I grieve and I am tired and there isn’t a darn thing that I can do about it, but wait. . .

I am waiting for God to renew me, reunite me with Christopher, accomplish His purposes through this season. I can’t move ahead of Him; I’d be dishonest to deny the depth of my pain. I am sorry to those who are uncomfortable with my reality.

Right now, I don’t feel like I have another choice but to wait. I can’t fix this.