Wandering – Alone with Others

Since Christopher’s death, there have been several other young people who have died, including my cousin’s 30 year old son.  I have also attended the funeral of a former co-worker’s 18 year old son.  There has been other young people to die in Tallahassee, including a young man whose father died two weeks later.  So much pain, so much grief.

So, I guess my experience is not so unique.  Why doesn’t that help?  I am trying to look at all these other losses to normalize the loss that I have experienced.  I can’t do it.  I know that they loved their children, but they didn’t lose Christopher.  (Yes, I realize that I haven’t lost their loved one either, but that is not my issue.  My issue is that I lost Christopher.  Call me self-centered.)

What did I lose when Christopher died?  Not just what you might think.  Sure, I lost a fine young man.  A tall, handsome man who called me “mom”.  But I lost more than that.  I feel like I lost my closest companion.  As a friend said, I lost the wind in my sails.  Every now and again, I get a breeze as I begin to look ahead and try to begin a “new” life.  The problem is that it is lonely.

Sailing is not fun alone.  Traveling is not fun alone.  The plans that I am making would be so much more enjoyable if I could just tell Christopher about them.  I know that he would not always be “traveling” with me, but he still would share in the details.  He wouldn’t admit it, but he’d be proud when I graduate next Summer.  

I lost my sense of family; my sense of my belonging for the future.  I know that I have a place, I have a purpose, it is just suddenly not the one that I’ve been imagining for the last 14 years.  

I miss my old dreams.  As yet, I can’t imagine the new ones, but I know they are there.