One of my recent thoughts regarding church was my lack of appreciation for people who try to comfort me. After all, what could they, in fact, do that would provide any comfort for the loss of a child. I had come to the conclusion that I prefer to be with people who, instead, just “let me be.” That’s well and good, especially if they know of my loss. Besides, peoples efforts to comfort, just evoke in me a lot of emotion and I’m pretty much tired of the tears, if you know what I mean.
Then as I roaming a friend’s kitchen, while she was sleeping in, I realized that this might well explain my reluctance to spend time with God. I know that God understands the loss of a son (in ways I can only imagine), He loves me (more than I dare to hope), and He knows what He is doing (even when He knows that I am not going to like it). I really know all that stuff to be true, but it doesn’t make this all “okay.” I think that’s it; I am waiting to feel “okay” with the death of Christopher. I just don’t foresee that ever happening.
In the meantime, I know all this stuff to be true, but it doesn’t change how I feel. I just realized that part of my discomfort with the emotions, especially at church is because, to me, the emotion make it look like I don’t believe the truth about God, His love and His plan.
It is hard to be before God or in presence of His people and act like He can’t be trusted. It seems to me that if I trusted Him, His love, and His plan, then I should be okay with this and there were no longer be tears.