I am still in New Orleans. It has been a good trip, but sometimes it is hard for me to let myself enjoy even the littlest of things. I just doesn’t feel right to have fun in light of Christopher’s death. But then I have to think of Christopher; I am convinced that he would be so upset if he felt that, through his death, he ruined my life. He didn’t have the power to ultimately determine the quality/value of my life in living and therefore, he certainly doesn’t have that power in death.
So where does that leave me? Incredibly motivated to find a way through the pain and grief to a full life. That is what he would want. In our 13 years together, Christopher gave me a very special way to look at life; he was the great observer of life. I want to honor him by considering how he would have enjoyed life and imitating him. That is what he would want.
So, that is my motivation. I need to let myself enjoy living as I would have with him here. After all, he’ll always be here in my heart and mind.
I miss him terribly, but it would be a shame to let his death detract from all that he brought to me through his life.