From the beginning, I have hated the word denial as I think it would appear stupid to deny the accident or that Christopher died. So, for a long time, I preferred the word disbelief, because I just couldn’t believe it really happened. Now, I have decided that I feel like I am playing a part in a movie.
When Heath Ledger died, I had heard stories about how playing the dark Joker in the Batman movie had a powerful impact on him. I think that this role as the grieving mother who has lost her son is having a unreal impact on me; an impact I could have never imagined nor will ever fully understand. I just want to cry out that the movies is good enough – we can call it a wrap and be done with it. Then I could adjust back to the “normal” that I so miss. Christopher would be back with me and I would be frustrated with his 17 year old-ness, but I would love him and he would know that.
Please, let’s make it a wrap! Please let this end or tell me when it is expected to end. I just need to know that I will bet back to my life at some point, the life I so enjoyed, but certainly didn’t adequately appreciate.