It’s not over

It has been a long time since I posted anything – as a matter of fact, the last post I see was written right after the sentencing related to the legal proceedings that related to the car crash that resulted in Christopher’s death. Even this sentence is a good example of how much everything is connected. And that’s why I am writing today.

I think that after the trial, I thought that it was over. After all, that was the last step in the process . . . the formal and official process. What I have been learning, especially lately, that it probably will never really be over. A couple of things drew me to this conclusion, but I’ll just share one.
Last night, I was in a class (Parent and Child Relations, of all things) and we were talking about if our final would be in class or a take home. I asked if it were in class, when it would be and was told that it would be at the same time as our class, but during finals week. Seems obvious as I write this, but it has been a long time since I’ve had a final during finals week. Anyways, I looked at the calendar and realized that this meant that I might have a final from 5:00 to 7:30 pm, on the 3rd anniversary of the car crash that took Christopher’s life. There is no way, I can take a final that night. I approached the professor after class and with misty eyes explained that if we have it in class, I can’t take it that night, with a brief explanation. He was kind, but I hated it.
I don’t want everything to be about Christopher’s death. I don’t want it to define me. I don’t want it to be a big deal.
I was talking to a professor at FSU a month or so ago and told her the story of my losing my only son. Her response was that she was surprised that I was sitting there with matching shoes on. Today, I saw a former pastor who confessed that he wanted so much to find words to speak to my soul, but the fact that I was up and functioning was amazing to him.
I don’t want Christopher’s death to be a big deal, but it is and I think that it will be as long as I am on this side of eternity.