This time (literally) next week, it will have been one year since I learned that Christopher had been involved in an accident. Just four hours later, I was told, “we’re sorry. . . . we did everything we could, but . . . .”
It amazes me how eerily similar it feels right now. I just turned in an assignment electronically and my dining room table is covered with my reference materials. The night before THE accident, I was in exact same situation. Finishing a paper with stuff all over the dining room.
I am so thankful that tonight’s assignments complete the required work for this semester. I have classmates who have more assignments and exams. I don’t know what I would do if that were the case for me. I can feel myself fading into the black hole that I have spent 51 weeks trying to climb out of.
Of course, this next weekend won’t be as bad as the reality of these days last year, but they will be painful as the reality of the loss continues to settle in. I am amazed at all the holes that Christopher has left in my life. The biggest is simply Christopher. I miss Christopher, the young man he was and the man that I know he was to become.
I have to choose to focus on all the holes Christopher filled in the 13+ years that I had him in my life. Before Christopher, I could never imagine loving as I have now loved; I could never have imagined having been loved as I have now been loved. I have a dear friend who wants to believe that we can love without giving our whole hearts. I have tried to see it her way, but know that had I protected myself from the pain that I was to ultimately endure, I never would have known the love that I have known.
I wish her well in proving her thesis, but I’ll take this pain to have not missed that love.