Last Saturday was Christopher’s 18th birthday. He didn’t show up. I really didn’t expect that he would, but I so wanted him to. I miss him so and he so much was looking forward to his 18th birthday; I wanted to share his birthday with him.
On Saturday, Mike Houghton sang Steven Curtis Chapman’s song, “With Hope.” I had asked him to sing it because it fits so perfectly. The first line is that “This is not at all how we thought it was supposed to be.” That is the understatement of a lifetime.
I never imagined such pain. I physically hurt through my breastbone to my back. I just ache. It has been over nine months; it shouldn’t still hurt so much. I know that this is my new life and I need to get used to it, but it just hurts so much.
I just need to know that this is going to end, even if it won’t be for a long time. I just need to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
It is so dark and so painful and I am so alone.