I need rules

My son died just 13 months ago.  Even as I say that, I can’t believe it is true.  I don’t know how I am supposed to get through this.  There are no rules.  I like rules.  That way, I have a way to know if I am doing okay; no way to know if I am doing it right.

There is no one who will ever understand this even those who have been through it.  They didn’t lose Christopher.  I am sure that whoever they lost was special to them, but it wasn’t my Christopher.  
People say that I am doing so well.  I don’t know what that means.  I am dying inside trying to do “good”.  I do believe that God is sovereign and that He knows what is best, but I hate this pain.  I hate missing Christopher so very much.  I never knew that I had the capacity to love like this and now I never knew I had the capacity to hurt like this.  I have no idea how long I can endure this.
Add to that that I have no idea what “relief” would look like since I am totally aware of the fact that Christopher isn’t coming back.  I don’t now how you ever get “over” this and go forward.  I don’t know what that even means.  I am not going to get over this.  I don’t want to get over it, because to me that means that I have to stop loving him.  To love him and not be able to watch him live his life is so very painful. 
I can’t see this pain ever ending because the love I never hoped to have will never end.