My son died just 13 months ago. Even as I say that, I can’t believe it is true. I don’t know how I am supposed to get through this. There are no rules. I like rules. That way, I have a way to know if I am doing okay; no way to know if I am doing it right.
There is no one who will ever understand this even those who have been through it. They didn’t lose Christopher. I am sure that whoever they lost was special to them, but it wasn’t my Christopher.
People say that I am doing so well. I don’t know what that means. I am dying inside trying to do “good”. I do believe that God is sovereign and that He knows what is best, but I hate this pain. I hate missing Christopher so very much. I never knew that I had the capacity to love like this and now I never knew I had the capacity to hurt like this. I have no idea how long I can endure this.
Add to that that I have no idea what “relief” would look like since I am totally aware of the fact that Christopher isn’t coming back. I don’t now how you ever get “over” this and go forward. I don’t know what that even means. I am not going to get over this. I don’t want to get over it, because to me that means that I have to stop loving him. To love him and not be able to watch him live his life is so very painful.
I can’t see this pain ever ending because the love I never hoped to have will never end.