Companionship needed . . .

Among the many things I lost that night was my friend, my companion. Now, I know that it was going to lose Christopher as a daily companion ultimately and it would be sooner than I would have liked, but I always figured it would be gradual. Besides, even when he moved out, we would still be in touch and he would still be available if I had a real need. Last Fall semester, I had a wonderful roommate and this week, a friend from work is staying pending a final move to Oklahoma.

I think that when I have people around, I realize that I don’t like who I’ve become since this whole thing began. I don’t like being around me, never sure what I am doing to do or say or feel. There is nothing that is safe anymore, nothing comfortable. Everything is an effort; I have to keep it under control.
I am beginning to understand why my cousin doesn’t go out much since her son died. People are not safe because people cause you to let yourself feel again and feeling is not fun any more. Behind everything I do or say, is a pain that might get out if I open the doors of my heart again. My heart can no longer be trusted; it is a scary place.
That is why God doesn’t work for me right now. God requires my heart; He requires honesty. I am afraid of what all comes with that. I can’t take the chance anymore of what He might require in relationship. I am also not sure that I trust Him. How do you trust someone who allowed you to be hurt so very deeply.
God didn’t cause Christopher to die, but if you believe that He is sovereign (and I do), then I don’t know how to take Him out of the equation of what happened that night. He didn’t cause it, but He was there; He could of stopped it, but He didn’t.
I know He loves Christopher; this has never really be about Christopher as I know that he is in a better place, relieved of having to endure this life. I know He loves me, but I don’t know if I like this kind of love. I simply can’t reconcile it to any kind of love that I understand. Yes, His ways are not my ways, but that doesn’t seem to bring me any comfort.
I don’t like what this has done to me; I don’t like being shut off from emotions that I just learned how to let myself feel. That was Christopher’s greatest gift to me, allowing me to love and be loved, and I think I may have lost it the night that I lost him. I am sliding back to a posture that life is about staying busy until you die. I don’t know if I can live like this, just going through the motions, not able to feel because it is once again not safe. Unlike my life before Chrisotpher, I know what I am missing and I don’t want to live without it.
This time, it is not because I don’t feel, but because I feel so very deeply and that scares me.