This has been a very difficult week. I no doubt that the struggle began on Monday. There is an ongoing legal process as charges were filed related to the accident that took Christopher’s life. Technically, the outcome of this trial has no bearing on my life, but it is a painful process non the less as I have been told that I will be expected to appear which keeps me “reminiscing” about that terrible night. There was yet another continuance. Once again, I was reminded that I am totally out of control as I have been since December 7, 2007. There is no part of this process that considers me or how I feel or what I’ve lost. That is so very frustrating.
It is quite a conflict to be put in a position to continue to have to re-live the night that forever changed my life and my recurring disbelief. It is odd to spend time recalling something that I simply can’t believe has happened. Even when I tell people, I find myself wondering when I will be caught in this lie. Certainly, I’l be proven wrong and find that this really didn’t happen.
Add to all this, I am in the first semester of a doctoral program which is very overwhelming most of the time. I am working part-time. This week, my mom innocently commented on how my life has changed. My response was that it all changed in one night. This came with the realization that there is nothing about my life that is as it would be had Christopher not died.
This is yet another source of internal conflict. I have much for which to be thankful, but it is hard to appreciate something that came at such a high price. I’d give it all up to go back and have the life that I had planned for, the life that should of, could of, would of been.
But that’s not my choice, it’s not an option. None of this has been my choice and so it continues. It makes it tough to be thankful. I didn’t want this life. I wanted to see my son grow up and enjoy his life. I don’t know how I will ever be able to enjoy my life because, no matter how wonderful things are or become, they will never been enough to offset for what I lost that night. I don’t know how to reconcile this and allow myself to be happy. I want my old life back.